Monday, 4 July 2011

Stepping out con't

Stepping out part here for the beginning

So dh thinks i was too harsh on her. Harsh??! I didn't even yell at her. Dh decided not to talk for a while. Instead he went to comfort her, which to me tells her without words that he believes and supports her, so she already knows a way to get between us both.
Dh went to pick up the pizza we ordered and still silence. i can't stand silence when things need to be spoken about. His reaction was I'm over the whole thing, i have no energy for it all. I said well bad luck, she's your daughter you can't just give up. He told me i was harsh and didn't have to talk with her like that. I brought up the fact that if it were our own children  it wouldn't be the same and rather than be against me he'd support me. He agreed! That says alot to me. It  tells me I'm good enough to have chatterbox in my care and look after her needs when he wants me to, but the minute it comes to discipline or standing up for myself that's not allowed. Too much contradiction there. He needs to realise i'm also looking out for our own children who i don't want them to witness what goes on and think that it's ok to behave the way she does and get away with it.
That's exactly what is happening and for too long now the poor child from a broken family card has been played with chatterbox. The grandparents even do it....oh poor chatterbox, her mother does nothing for her etc. So they buy her stuff, send her money etc. Meanwhile her mother earns ALOT of money, actually two and a half times what we are on. She gets EVERYTHING she wants from her in the material world and also brags about it. Often she'd come here and compare, and price everything. She's tell us her mum spent more on her for presents than we did etc. I just say fine, we'll take your presents back then. What the child needs, in my eyes, is hard discipline but in a loving way, she needs to know how important she is, how special she is, to have time spent with her. i keep trying to tell DH this and he does try but i'm sick of always having to instigate things. selfish as it sounds i want to look after my own kids and not spend all my energy on her. There's been times when I have made her cry by being harsh with words, but I assure you I comfort her afterwards and explain my reasons, explain the dangerous consequences of some of her actions. i hold her, stroke her face, tell her how beautiful she is, not just physically but also as a person. The time she has for her little brothers and sisters is amazing, that's when i see the real chatterbox and that's why i've tried so hard with her because i don't want us to lose that person. 
So the night continues pretty much the same. Silent. I asked Dh if he was allowing her out the next day, because if it were our children, they'd be grounded. he shrugged his shoulders and said well what else can i do? umm...lock the doors and tell her she's not allowed out for the weekend. I see where he's coming from in that he doesn't want to lose her and is worried that by being too strict and not allowing her out will make her not want to come but at the same time this is when she needs to learn that her actions were wrong and therefore will be punished. But Like i'd told him, for now she is his problem and I don't want a part of it. I tried, I treated her like my own, but got shot down for it.
She did go out the next day, and hung out in town with MK and whoever else. No one knows what they got up to. It annoys me that dh gave her money and in a way it's kind of rewarding her bad behaviour. Turns out she bumped into her BM whilst in town so just as Dh was to pick her up she rang him to say she was going home with her mother. BM text dh and said she was taking chatterbox to the hospital as she had her ears pierced yesterday by someone and she was feeling sick. That all turned out fine luckily.
I'm still sticking to my guns though and won't have chatterbox in my care alone so I've made DH decided to either take time off work or work something else out for her. They both lost that right when she started making up things about what i say, and when he wouldn't stand up for me when i did nothing wrong. He can't understand still why I'm upset about what she said. but it;s not just that, it's the whole lying about things and not being pulled up on it, it's going behind my back and saying things to hurt me despite what I've done for her. I bet she never went around telling her friends I stood up for her when the school took her phone off her for a week for using it in class, but i rang the school and demanded they give it back to her out of school hours so she can still contact BM.
so for now, I'm sitting back and allowing the real parents to do their own job and I'll just watch on the side lines.

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