Tuesday, 30 October 2012

It's not all about control

The last post I wrote was about a possible separation. Alot has happened since then. We are still together. Just. Chatterbox is living with his parents for now. Good luck to them. Last week til today I honestly thought we were trying hard to fix our marriage and was under the false belief that we would come out the other side even stronger and more in love than what we ever were as these fights we had brought up alot of things. We even had the minister and a counsellor from our church sit and talk things out with us. Every night since then we've been working on talking to each other using books to help us which draws out discussions we wouldn't normally have. One book which has been great was love and respect. All was well in my little naive world until today.

Today we got mail. 2 mails in fact. One for dh from the bank. The other a rates notice. I look on the bench, see the rates notice , and the empty envelope of the other one but nothing else in sight. A bit odd, because dh always just opens stuff and leaves it laying there. So i ask him where the other mail went, and he says, oh in my pocket. Because your pocket is a normal place to put mail. As if I wouldn't be sus once he tells me that. He's hiding mail in his pocket which he never does so what does that mean he is hiding. I get the statement and see on there $50 spent on sports bet. We've fought before about gambling. He gets defensive of course and says he knew I'd get angry so hid it from me. Which obviously means he knows what he did was wrong.
Thing is , he keeps going on about me getting more and more controlling. I am not all about control, i am about trying to trust a liar. There has to be an element of control in there because he just thinks it is ok to hide stuff from me. If anything he is making me worse, his actions are making me doubt more, to be more suspicious and feel the need to have everything else in my life in control because i can't trust what is going on between us.
He honestly does not see what is wrong with hiding this, what is wrong with spending money we don't have. In fact he thinks i am over the top. I am over the top because having lived with an eating disorder and an alcoholic mother i know how easy an addiction starts. How easy it is to hide behind lies and be fake but to keep the addiction going. The addiction then gets you, it becomes your way of life. You go to extremes to hide it, push people away, make people hate you. And it all starts with one little lie, or one little omission.
The thing that really got me was when he asked...so have you ever even lived with someone with an addiction? OMG, i really wanted to slap him. Have I lived with someone with an addiction. Let's see...i have control issues from growing up with an alcoholic mother, i suffered anorexia/bulimia for a good 14 years of my life as a way of dealing with things. Has he honestly never listened when i talk about my mother. or has his world been so perfect he really doesn't know what an alcoholic is actually like. I couldn't answer and i wouldn't answer. not when things are not good between us and not when i am vulnerable. I don't cry around dh. I've learnt not to.

linking with diary of a SAHM for IBOT and things i can't say for pour your heart out

Sunday, 14 October 2012

the numb feeling of separation

haven't posted for a while. don't even know if I'll finish this. Right now I just feel flat, numb, shocked, sad, angry, bitter.
I really don't know where to start.
The first point I guess was finding out chatterbox was into drugs. no shock really there, should've guessed it ages ago. Naturally she denied it. I made the choice that I can't have her living with us when I know she uses drugs. I have 3 children to protect. Dh was doing nothing to parent her for this like stopping her going out at night etc.
During this time I find a lighter in dh's pocket in the wash. I question him on this and he denies anything. Acts dumb in fact. The whole time i had a gut feeling. AT dinner that night he confesses to smoking. I snapped. I was so angry. HE did it while i was away with miss 5 and little man, while bub was in his care. It was what i thought at the time was the last straw for me. That night also, he allowed chatterbox to go out, and didn't even question her at all. Simply let her go. We almost split up that night. I took the kids and left to stay with my sister. The betrayal hurt.
We managed to talk the next day and decided it best chatterbox lives with her mum in sydney. Dh had pretty much organised it the day before as he wasn't coping having her live with us. The next day(sunday) he found her at a friends house , took her home, packed and took her to sydney. Did I feel relief? yes. but i knew it wasn't the end.
A few nights later dh is out, and I went through his phone while he was out. I don't know why. I was looking for evidence of something because i just didn't trust him. I was not expecting what i found though. A text to a man who was his old neighbour, and dealt drugs. Dh text him asking how much for a quart. He wrote back $100. I felt sick. So sick. My fingers even went numb. They were never cigarettes he smoked. It was pot. He smoked pot when he had bub in his care. He bought pot with bub in the car. HE consciously knew exactly what he was doing. HE even had to buy a lighter for it.
When he got home i remained calm and asked if he smoked pot while i was away. His answer...no. I ask again ...no. I rephrase it...did you purchase pot ...and again he answers no. So i say..well why did you ask your ex neighbour how much for a quart. He was speechless. I was angry now. Angry that he lied. Angry that he did it. Meanwhile bub decided she wasn't sleeping but instead run around naked at 9pm and play with the ipod. I just didn't know how to react. I couldn't even cry. Could barely talk. How could he be so careless, so selfish.
The next day I am still so hurt,let down, sad. SO sad. Listen to music constantly to block out thoughts. When i think about it I cried and stopped myself. When I looked at dh I was angry. Nothing nice came out of my mouth. Nothing. Says he did it because he was stressed. Not good enough in my books. HE has a family to look after now. He had a baby in his care when he did it. His actions reminded me of mum. Turn to a substance to make yourself feel better when you can't cope with the outside world. Then since he's done it once what will stop him doing it again.
I didn't think it would get any worse until the Saturday. He had packed a bag because he said he was sick of me being nasty to him. Couldn't handle that I was that angry with him. Then I find out chatterbox ran away in Sydney. He was going to go and pick her up. I was gobsmacked. After the hell she has put our family through he was going to run to her beck and call and pick her up, just like that. For some reason he didn't. Not that night anyway.
But today. Today he did. Only the next day. We fought and fought. The kids can hear us. Poor little man has resorted to lining up his cars in his room, i am guessing for a sense of order. Chatterbox rings again begging daddy to pick her up because she doesn't want to go to a school with Asians. she promises she'll stop smoking weed. He falls for it. Can't see she is manipulating him at all. So he makes the choice to pick her up and leave us. . I was at a birthday party with the kids when he rang to tell me....he is picking her up, taking her to his mum for a few days while he finds a place to live with her.
I feel very rejected . Especially for my kids. how to hell can he choose a child who does not want help over his family of 3 little children. I honestly feel like my world has been turned upside down. All i want to do is cry. Yet i feel so angry as well. The bitterness i feel is churning me up inside. I think of chatterbox and get even more angry. There were other options but he chose this. How dare he. How could he. Then i wonder am i better without him. Once i know i can survive financially will i be ok without him. so many other people can do it. Maybe i will be less stressed. who knows. I don't. this is the first time in a long time I've not known what to do. I'm at a loss.

linking with i blog on tuesdays with diary of a SAHM