Tuesday, 30 October 2012

It's not all about control

The last post I wrote was about a possible separation. Alot has happened since then. We are still together. Just. Chatterbox is living with his parents for now. Good luck to them. Last week til today I honestly thought we were trying hard to fix our marriage and was under the false belief that we would come out the other side even stronger and more in love than what we ever were as these fights we had brought up alot of things. We even had the minister and a counsellor from our church sit and talk things out with us. Every night since then we've been working on talking to each other using books to help us which draws out discussions we wouldn't normally have. One book which has been great was love and respect. All was well in my little naive world until today.

Today we got mail. 2 mails in fact. One for dh from the bank. The other a rates notice. I look on the bench, see the rates notice , and the empty envelope of the other one but nothing else in sight. A bit odd, because dh always just opens stuff and leaves it laying there. So i ask him where the other mail went, and he says, oh in my pocket. Because your pocket is a normal place to put mail. As if I wouldn't be sus once he tells me that. He's hiding mail in his pocket which he never does so what does that mean he is hiding. I get the statement and see on there $50 spent on sports bet. We've fought before about gambling. He gets defensive of course and says he knew I'd get angry so hid it from me. Which obviously means he knows what he did was wrong.
Thing is , he keeps going on about me getting more and more controlling. I am not all about control, i am about trying to trust a liar. There has to be an element of control in there because he just thinks it is ok to hide stuff from me. If anything he is making me worse, his actions are making me doubt more, to be more suspicious and feel the need to have everything else in my life in control because i can't trust what is going on between us.
He honestly does not see what is wrong with hiding this, what is wrong with spending money we don't have. In fact he thinks i am over the top. I am over the top because having lived with an eating disorder and an alcoholic mother i know how easy an addiction starts. How easy it is to hide behind lies and be fake but to keep the addiction going. The addiction then gets you, it becomes your way of life. You go to extremes to hide it, push people away, make people hate you. And it all starts with one little lie, or one little omission.
The thing that really got me was when he asked...so have you ever even lived with someone with an addiction? OMG, i really wanted to slap him. Have I lived with someone with an addiction. Let's see...i have control issues from growing up with an alcoholic mother, i suffered anorexia/bulimia for a good 14 years of my life as a way of dealing with things. Has he honestly never listened when i talk about my mother. or has his world been so perfect he really doesn't know what an alcoholic is actually like. I couldn't answer and i wouldn't answer. not when things are not good between us and not when i am vulnerable. I don't cry around dh. I've learnt not to.

linking with diary of a SAHM for IBOT and things i can't say for pour your heart out

Sunday, 14 October 2012

the numb feeling of separation

haven't posted for a while. don't even know if I'll finish this. Right now I just feel flat, numb, shocked, sad, angry, bitter.
I really don't know where to start.
The first point I guess was finding out chatterbox was into drugs. no shock really there, should've guessed it ages ago. Naturally she denied it. I made the choice that I can't have her living with us when I know she uses drugs. I have 3 children to protect. Dh was doing nothing to parent her for this like stopping her going out at night etc.
During this time I find a lighter in dh's pocket in the wash. I question him on this and he denies anything. Acts dumb in fact. The whole time i had a gut feeling. AT dinner that night he confesses to smoking. I snapped. I was so angry. HE did it while i was away with miss 5 and little man, while bub was in his care. It was what i thought at the time was the last straw for me. That night also, he allowed chatterbox to go out, and didn't even question her at all. Simply let her go. We almost split up that night. I took the kids and left to stay with my sister. The betrayal hurt.
We managed to talk the next day and decided it best chatterbox lives with her mum in sydney. Dh had pretty much organised it the day before as he wasn't coping having her live with us. The next day(sunday) he found her at a friends house , took her home, packed and took her to sydney. Did I feel relief? yes. but i knew it wasn't the end.
A few nights later dh is out, and I went through his phone while he was out. I don't know why. I was looking for evidence of something because i just didn't trust him. I was not expecting what i found though. A text to a man who was his old neighbour, and dealt drugs. Dh text him asking how much for a quart. He wrote back $100. I felt sick. So sick. My fingers even went numb. They were never cigarettes he smoked. It was pot. He smoked pot when he had bub in his care. He bought pot with bub in the car. HE consciously knew exactly what he was doing. HE even had to buy a lighter for it.
When he got home i remained calm and asked if he smoked pot while i was away. His answer...no. I ask again ...no. I rephrase it...did you purchase pot ...and again he answers no. So i say..well why did you ask your ex neighbour how much for a quart. He was speechless. I was angry now. Angry that he lied. Angry that he did it. Meanwhile bub decided she wasn't sleeping but instead run around naked at 9pm and play with the ipod. I just didn't know how to react. I couldn't even cry. Could barely talk. How could he be so careless, so selfish.
The next day I am still so hurt,let down, sad. SO sad. Listen to music constantly to block out thoughts. When i think about it I cried and stopped myself. When I looked at dh I was angry. Nothing nice came out of my mouth. Nothing. Says he did it because he was stressed. Not good enough in my books. HE has a family to look after now. He had a baby in his care when he did it. His actions reminded me of mum. Turn to a substance to make yourself feel better when you can't cope with the outside world. Then since he's done it once what will stop him doing it again.
I didn't think it would get any worse until the Saturday. He had packed a bag because he said he was sick of me being nasty to him. Couldn't handle that I was that angry with him. Then I find out chatterbox ran away in Sydney. He was going to go and pick her up. I was gobsmacked. After the hell she has put our family through he was going to run to her beck and call and pick her up, just like that. For some reason he didn't. Not that night anyway.
But today. Today he did. Only the next day. We fought and fought. The kids can hear us. Poor little man has resorted to lining up his cars in his room, i am guessing for a sense of order. Chatterbox rings again begging daddy to pick her up because she doesn't want to go to a school with Asians. she promises she'll stop smoking weed. He falls for it. Can't see she is manipulating him at all. So he makes the choice to pick her up and leave us. . I was at a birthday party with the kids when he rang to tell me....he is picking her up, taking her to his mum for a few days while he finds a place to live with her.
I feel very rejected . Especially for my kids. how to hell can he choose a child who does not want help over his family of 3 little children. I honestly feel like my world has been turned upside down. All i want to do is cry. Yet i feel so angry as well. The bitterness i feel is churning me up inside. I think of chatterbox and get even more angry. There were other options but he chose this. How dare he. How could he. Then i wonder am i better without him. Once i know i can survive financially will i be ok without him. so many other people can do it. Maybe i will be less stressed. who knows. I don't. this is the first time in a long time I've not known what to do. I'm at a loss.

linking with i blog on tuesdays with diary of a SAHM

Saturday, 22 September 2012

the blog post when i can't think of a blog post

It's been one of those weeks. So much happens but it's just too much too write. There's numerous things i could post about really.
I could post about bub starting day care. I was as nervous as anything. The evening prior to her starting I was too nervous I did everything else BUT pack her bag. I didn't want to think about my last one going to day care even though i knew she needs it. Come drop off time and there's 2 other newbies that day. So 3 new toddlers starting day care on one day. It was LOUD. So LOUD. Kids screaming. I picked my moment to leave and off i went trying not to run back and scoop her up. I did pick her up at lunch time however and the look on her face was priceless. She was so excited to come home. Overall her day was good.

I could write about that I am loving that people are finally noticing that I am losing weight. It's 7kg in total now. The best part is I tried my size 10 jeans on last night. Yes they are slightly stretched but the thing is i can put them on and not feel like they are plastered to my legs. And I can do all buttons up, not use a rubber band to keep the top button together. AMAZING! I was at a point where I was going to throw the jeans out. I am so glad I didn't.. I hate buying jeans. Took me years to even feel confident enough to buy my first pair.

Or I could write about Little man and how well he is going at his preschool. His teachers told me he is above average for his age. I knew he was but it was good to have it confirmed. He is such a thinker and retains information like you wouldn't believe. He sets a goal for himself and doesn't give up. Which can be a good thing or a bad thing. At the moment he has his heart set on buying a crane. not a toy one...a real one. He has money saved to catch a train to Sydney with dh and money saved to buy a crane . He reckons he'll sit it in the front yard. Don't know how we'll combat this one.

I could even write about poor miss s and our dr visit. She had been sick on and off for a few weeks. Then she developed an awful cough. One of those coughs that every one says their children have. She started getting upset about it and I thought enough is enough and took her to the dr. Lo and behold....asthma. So we were sent on our merry way with a script for a preventer. Within 2 days there was a notable difference. I feel so bad I didn't get to the dr sooner.

Normally I would write about chatterbox running away and the grief she has caused. But in all honesty it's the same old and I just hope we get get her to stop. After her attempt to jump out her bedroom window we've screwed the screens on and also Screwed a screw in the window frame so the window can only be opened a little bit.

But instead I will write about the mouse in the vacuum. It was so gross. I never suspected a thing until I turned the vacuum on and heard something get sucked up into the barrel of the dyson. I was thinking a piece of paper must have been stuck in there from last time. So i keep going. Peering down at the barrel I notice a big piece of fluff spinning around in the barrel. I knew straight away though it wasn't fluff. Turn it off immediately and scream my girly scream the minute I realise it is a mouse. It was dead still. All the kids including chatterbox come running. There;s the mouse , still as anything just sitting there in the barrel. It's little heart was beating hard. You could see it beating. I didn't know what to do so just quickly carried the vacuum cleaner outside thinking dh can deal with it when he gets home. After a little while we have another look and it disappeared. I get curious and undo it. Not mouse still. Then miss s see's it run past. The dog pounced on it and grabbed it ....the rest is history.

What do you think of mice??

linking with twinkle in the eye for flash blog friday
and you know it happens at your house too for TGIF
and with some grace

Friday, 14 September 2012

Thankful for near misses

linking with KAte Says Stuff for Thankful Thursday and with some grace for Flog ya Blog Friday

In the last month my son has had 2 pretty big accidents. If they had that law in about charging parents for too many accidents I would have been charged i reckon. What a silly law. I see that it may help some children who are being abused , but in all honesty do abusive parents take their kids to the ED? Or do they do so only because they feel such guilt? And i get that the hospital have to question everything when it comes to a child who can not speak for themselves. It is just sad to think that innocent people out there can fall victim to being investigated simply because their child is either 1. accident prone or 2. a dare devil and tries everything and anything.

back to little man....
A month ago he was riding on his scooter. Like he does every single day. I am talking a 2 wheeler razor scooter. And boy does he go fast. He zooms down the path in our back yard, then doonk doonk doonk down our 3 flat steps, and turns quick so he doesn't run into the back door. This day however he didn't even make it down the path and he came off the scooter. HE fell sideways and the tiny end of the screw got him, in his face. Only a few centimetres away from his eye it was. Could have lost his eye. Poor little man. It was awful.
He got straight back up though. It totally doesn't phase him. He is such a determined little man. Has his mind set on something and is so focused to do it he won't let anything get in his way.

Then today...accident number two. Him and his best mate (his cousin) were playing. Little man took something and his cousin grabbed it back and pushed him. Just what boys do. Except unfortunately for little man a table was in his way. You guessed it...he went smack right into the table and split open his cheek. I freaked. My sister came running to help and was very calm in it all. Me...not so calm. It looked so so bad. I honestly thought he;d need stitches. I asked her to stay and sit with bub while i ducked down to the chemist to ask their advice, as I didn't want to sit for 10 hours in emergency to be told nothing could be done. We jumped in the car, ice pack and all. Lucky the chemist is only a block away. The verdict....just a plain old bandaid would do. Wasn't deep enough to need stitches. A butterfly strip would prevent him shutting his eye. So just a bandaid. Poor bugger. It looks bad. And again, it just missed his eye. 2nd time lucky, 2nd time thankful.

Friday, 7 September 2012

Guess how much I love you

They are my world, my everything. Is it because I invest so much in them that I feel they can take so much from my, physically, mentally, emotionally.
I stress about everything...are they eating ok, are they having too much crappy food, should I be more consistent, how much do you let them get away with, am I cuddling them enough, how is miss s going at school...the list is endless and I am sure anyone could add at least 10 or more points to it.

Some days are hard and you just want to run. You wonder why you bother some days. I sometimes worry I am not maternal enough or connected enough to my children because I have that desire to escape and I can only think of the freedom, being stress free. No yelling at kids because you asked them 5 times to get dressed. Not having to run after bub with the wipes because she poo'd in her nappy , took it off to show you and then ran away with remains on her bum. Not packing lunches every day for school to have most of it brought home because they didn't like it, even though it's food they normally eat every day at home. When I drive I wonder what it is like to just keep on driving. What would happen. Where would I go. Would I feel guilty. At the time i don't. The time I had the thought I don't because I had just spent the morning getting bub off the kitchen benches for the umpteenth time and stopped the other 2 chasing each other and fighting all morning whilst also trying to tidy up after breakfast, get lunches ready and put away clothes.
But the minute I hear a little one cry in fear or pain I know I have that mother instinct because my heart sinks and I want to take their pain away. The tears of joy I had in my eyes when miss s wrote mum for the first time, i knew I had the mother instinct. The fear i feel when for a split second  I can't see my child (because he somehow climbed on your roof) or because they are so short I can not see them getting off the bus and think they are lost, I know how much I love them. The way my heart melts when bub says "mummy, lay me" and pats her bed in the middle of the night because she wants me to lay with her then snuggles right in.

I guess we all need a break at times but I know I love my kids because my heart would feel empty without them.
joining with Flog ya blog friday at with some grace
 and You know it happens at your house too for TGIF

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Friday, 31 August 2012

one of those moods

DO you ever get those days where everything just builds up? Nothing in particular is making you feel on edge, but everything is pissing you off. For me it's like the wheels have fallen off. I really do love my routine, love my time by myself. The last two weeks though have been so out of whack.

Chatterbox moved in permanently and due to suspension from school then facing expulsion she hasn't attended school for 2 weeks and 2 days while we waited for the new school to accept her. So I have had a teen in my house every day all day. Not saying it was bad but just not my usual day. It has helped us get on track with each other though which has been positive. Since she was home and missing work I've brought some extra books for her to do work from...maths and english. I've seen her weak points and have spent numerous hours with her trying to help her understand. I am no maths teacher so find it hard to explain how to do something I already know the answer to. But it's great when she "gets" it.
On top of a teen I've also had dh home for  a week and a couple random days last week. He had a boil. Just a boil. But due to his constant picking, poking and prodding at it it got infected. Infected to the point the hospital last week thought he had a flesh eating bug. He was due to go back to the hospital on Monday to have possible surgery ( I was thinking worse case scenario of amputation). Instead they tell him oops they got the diagnosis wrong. It's a strain of flesh eating bug, just a staph infection. Gave him a week off work. A WHOLE WEEK. So, stuck with a teen and my Dh. Most would rejoice but I am not as it's created a very very messy house. I would love him to have a week off without an infection so we could do lunch together or something. I have had to endure him laying on the lounge for most of the days acting as though it's the end of the world. He contemplated one day walking bub in the pram up the hill....hmmm...time to get off the lounge if he thinks he can do that.
Finally, i have had miss s home sick since Monday. She was sick on and off last week missing random days of school. Then last Friday completely crashed. I took her to the dr as I have never seen her so still and refusing food. It was viral of course, everything is viral isn't it (unless it's dh's boil turned to flesh eating bug turned to staph infection). Plenty of rest she said and a few more days off school. Thankfully yesterday she returned, well enough.

So now I just need a break. I want to be in my own house alone. Just a few hours is all I ask. I want a clean house. I think this week I have become even more obsessive with tidying up. I am not a clean freak as in scrubbing every nook and cranny, but I like things tidy and in their place. I like the table and benches wiped. If something is used and finished with I want it packed away not left there. But this week just hasn't happened like that.

linking with the following
flash blog friday with twinkle in the eye
flog ya blog friday with, with some grace
TGIF with You know it happens at your house too
Best in Blog with great fun 4 kids
I blog on Tuesdays with diary of a SAHM

Thursday, 23 August 2012

not a good wife, not a good person

I am not a good wife. I wouldn't like me as a wife if I was the husband. There's a song on my ipod shuffle called help me love. I can't find the lyrics anywhere to write out here. I used to listen to it over and over again trying to soak up the words and hope they'd help me be a better wife. I have all intentions to be but stuff just gets in the way. Or the feeling of well he doesn't do such and such for me so why should I? but I should try harder. I try hard with my friends, so why not with him. He's the father of our children. He's the one I will be with for the rest of my life.
Then I tell people that his daughter has moved in with us full time and due to what we have been through the reaction I get is wow, what a good person you must be. Or wow, you're a good mum to do that I don't think I could. But I am not trying to be a good person by doing it. I am not doing it for brownie points (that would be too draining in fact as I would have to be fake every day). It was one of those things that was truly placed in our hands and we accepted it. A month ago I would no way have been a "good person". If anyone said chatterbox was to move in I would have run a mile. I contemplated moving out with the kids if that ever happened. See, a good person would not be so spiteful. A good person would have taken it in their stride and done the best for the child involved and pushed their fears and bad feelings aside. Instead I swear i was blinded, manipulated and brainwashed by dh's ex. I know that sounds stupid. But she really placed the seed of doubt. She did her best to water it. I thought I was being a good person by trying to help her and dh communicate about chatterbox. In fact I was getting sucked in by a person with not very good intentions and was becoming a not very nice person at all. But I still thought I was doing the right things because I felt sorry for his ex being a single parent and dealing with chatterbox alone. I should have instead been a good person and good wife and stuck by my husband. Not let BM drive a knife through us. The knife is gone now. BM has moved away and things seem different. I don't feel the resentment. With that gone I do hope to become a better wife.
linking with Things I can't say for Pour Your Heart Out and twinkle in the eye for Flash Blog Friday

Thankful Thursday

Linking today with Kate Says stuff for Thankful Thursday and with First day of My LIfe for Thankful Thursday

Thankful that so far chatterbox is settling in well. Hopefully a good start means a good thing and isn't anything false to get us on side. But I do honestly think she isn't intentionally harming anyone.

Am thankful for my brand new laptop. Not much different from my old one lol but it's nice to have something new.

Today was such a warm day , so I am really thankful that spring is near. I feel alive

Sunday, 19 August 2012

windows of happiness

Linking up for windows of happiness with my mummy daze.

I wrote last week saying i would do a post each week about my kids. This week has been hectic. Not in a bad way. Just busy.
Miss S had her first real sick days from school last Thursday and Friday. I got up in the early hours on Thursday morning aroudn 2am to get a bottle for bub. Saw a tiny bundle all curled up on the lounge, and there was miss s. I immediately sat with her despite a baby screaming for her bottle, and asked what was wrong. She told me her tummy hurt and she couldn't walk all the way to our bedroom. My heart jsut broke hearing her say that. How long had she been there for ?? I got dh up to help miss s to our room so I could look after bub. I spent the rest of the night cuddling up to miss s, hoping she would be ok. She ended up having two days off school as was still weak on Friday. We had pizza on Friday night which she did not eat. So unlike miss s not to eat. She was well enough for her soccer game on Saturday and even scored a goal!!

Little man has had a busy time up in the cubby house. He got dh to put wire up around the cubby house like a construction site and has been bringing tools and wood etc up there. It was adorable to watch. He had his mind set on something and jsut kept going. I bought him some little fire trucks today. He took them to bed with him. I love how he takes a favourite or new toy to bed with him. He always takes his "raffie" (a soft giraffe toy) no matter what. This week he started something called little ninja's. It's where little kids can go to learn skills like self defence, etc. I hope he goes back as he really enjoyed it.Last sunday he lost his dummy. Gone! He was devastated so I used that as my opportunity to get rid of it. In return he got a vulcan nerf gun. He is chuffed with it!!

Bub...well, she is as full on as ever. But we love her to bits. The photo is one of her attempting to find a rafferty's garden fruit bar. I used to keep them in that cupboard until she could reach them herself.
yes she used the bottom drawer that is open, to climb up onto the bench to look in the cupboard for a fruit bar. The cutest thing is that she calls her little flipout lounge her "loungeroom". Cracks me up. Everything she does is adorable(except for the 2yr old tantrum).

Best in Blog Linky

The week that was

Only 9 days ago, even less I was questioning my marriage and would it last. The day after writing THAT post things got even worse. We fought all morning. I am not usually one to cry in public but I couldn't even say hello to miss s friends mum at soccer without crying. I highly considered going away for a week with the kids. I took time to see the lady who visited my a week or so ago (read here). We talked heaps and she said I have lots of thinking to do about where i want to be etc.
Then things changed in what seemed like a split second. BM refused to pick up chatterbox simply because my DH pissed her off. Dh took chatterbox over and BM literally shut the door in both their faces and told them DH is to keep chatterbox as he went against what consequences she had set. Now ffs, even though i was not getting on with chatterbox that weekend I knew she'd done nothing wrong so I didn't see the big deal. So chatterbox came home to us. In the split second when dh rang and told me BM shut the door on chatterbox things changed. A mother doesn't just do that to their child. Especially a troubled child. AND just to get back at her ex. If BM was truly concerned about chatterbox and thought that my dh does such a crap job she'd have snapped her back up in a second and not let dh see her. But instead she did the opposite. The resentment and hate I felt suddenly left.

The next day we sent chatterbox off to school and dh rang child support to find out what steps to take to have chatterbox full time. It kind of just happened. No lengthy discussions. But we both silently agreed I guess that chatterbox was not in a safe secure environment with her mother. We later discussed it with chatterbox and gave her the option to choose to stay with us as opposed to moving to Sydney. She seemed happy. Things just fell into place. I even decided that she'd be best to have bub's room as it's more private and bub would then be closer to miss s and little man. SO the weekend was taken up with a major room change over. Pictured is bub's new room. I love it. It suits her so much better.
Our aim for chatterbox is to try and give her freedom but with limits. We've given her a laptop(and I got a new one yippee yay!!) but it's time restricted and can be web site restricted if need be. We ask she attends church once a month with us for now and if she does that for us we allow her to sleep at a friends house of her choice and in her time there they do what they want providing she makes it back home to us when required the next day. Chatterbox so far seems ok with this which is great.
Things feel different. The mother has left town as of today. Her farewell to chatterbox on Friday night was a slap across the face and to tell her she does not want to see her again. Charming.
So at this stage it's baby steps but we pray to build chatterbox's trust and give her the love and consistency she needs.
linking with jess at diary of a SAHM for i blog on tuesdays and with some grace for Flog ya Blog Friday

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Thankful Thursady

Linking with Kate Says Stuff for Thankful Thursday.

We've had a huge week already which I will post about soon. As a result of this week there's a few things to be thankful for...

That dh and I are finally working together in regards to chatterbox. I went from a bawling mess all day Saturday thinking of an escape plan to get away from here for a while, to I just feel calm this week.

I am thankful to my sister who has given me enough trust to let me share the same diet plan with her and as a result have already lost 4 kg. I have barely changed what I actually eat which is perfect and I have not had to go to extremes to lose this weight

I am thankful that miss S has chosen and stuck with gorgeous little friends since last year and as a result I have very caring friends who look out for each other.

What things are you thankful for today?

Sunday, 12 August 2012

things I know

Linking with singular in sanity for things i know

If you read a fw post below you'll see we've had a shit week as a family and struggling with being a blended family.
Tonight chatterbox is meant to (according to court orders) go back to her mothers tonight. Her mother however is trying to get revenge on my dh for parenting chatterbox different to how she would this weekend so told him she is not picking her up. Dh went around there and tried to talk to her but she literally shut the door on chatterbox's and dh's face.
What I know is....
I could not do that to my own child

to seek revenge on someone else should NOT involve the children you had between you, that is just wrong

On another note....a friend did gel nails for me for free yesterday. I haven't had long nails since years.  I know that....

it is harder to type quickly with long nails

it's a bit challenging pushing the 5 point harness seat belt buckle in

they look very pretty and i feel elegant lol

Saturday, 11 August 2012

My Cherubs

I have been wasting so much of my emotions and energy on the goings on with chatterbox and dh that I forget to focus on what is important. My own children. The most treasured beings in my life. Yes they drive me insane at times but which child doesn't lol. The most insane thing is the older two waking up at 5am and playing the wii. They do it fairly quietly so I am not too worried. This morning we tried to get them to go back to sleep but that was more hassle than what it's worth as it woke up poor bub. Lately I was preparing a pre breakfast snack for them as we can't allow them in the fridge
or little man steals the yogurt and they've been known to grab the jar of peanut butter, a spoon each and eat half the jar lol.
My kids are beautiful though and I have in no way at all been close to the mother I should be for them. This post is dedicated solely to them and I will make an effort to write every week about something special they have said or done and post photos.

The top photo was our day at the park in the school holidays. It was so relaxing. Easy going. I've never spent such a long time at a park. We were there for 3 hours.
The middle photo on the right is Little Man taking Bub on his skateboard down our footpath in the backyard. She tried to do this on her own now little dare devil. The kids ride their scooter or little trikes down the path then all the way down the 3 small steps. and turn just before they crash into the glass door. Any people that come to our house freak when they watch this and hold their breath. I barely turn my head now, they've done it that many times.
The bottom photo is of bub with her new bubba she got for her birthday. Bub kisses, and wraps and nurses bubba all the time, even puts her to bed. Poor bubba had food stuck in her little plastic mouth from bub trying to feed her. We misplaced her the other day and bub was looking everywhere. I found her in the cubby house and called out to bub to show her. Well she dropped everything she was doing and cried out BUBBA and ran up to grab her.

The fist photo on the left is the lego Little man and I did together. First we made the house. He then wanted to build a "fence" around the green tray....and we ended up filling the whole tray. But it was fun doing it and little man loved having that time spent with him.
Middle photo is bub with our beautiful golden retriever. He will be 7 this year. Most beautiful dog, and bub just adores him.
Photo on the right is an example of what Miss s does in her room. She loves her polly pockets and barbie. On this particular day she played for a good hour alone in her room (rare). I came in to watch for a while. She'd filled up the barbie swimming pool with water and had 2 barbies going in it, using the slide attached. Miss s has a great imagination.
This week at big school they had their come and try days for the kids starting kindy next year. Miss S was beside herself excited as she was one of the helpers in her class to help the little kids do craft. i am so proud that she got selected to do this.
Bub has been toilet training herself this week. She literally pushed her 2.5yr old cousin out of the way when she wanted to use the toilet. She climbed up on to the toilet seat herself and did a wee. It was a real effort to get her off after this. A few days later she ran past my sister and I saying poo, go toilet. Lo and behold i was the very proud mummy staring at her poo in the toilet.
Little mans favourite game for the week is to throw whatever he can up on to the shade cloth then use the stick end of the broom to poke it down. If he is feeling cheeky he attempts to climb up there (yes he has been on our roof) but more often than not I catch him out.
Thanks for reading :)

linking with diary of a SAHM for I blog on Tuesdays, and With Some Grace for flog ya blog friday, also with twinkle in the eye for flash blog friday,

Friday, 10 August 2012

Building resentment towards hubby

It's an awful feeling. Builds up inside. Eats away at you . You try to forget about it but somewhere in your body doesn't let go. Hold on very tight. You snap, at everything. Things that normally wouldn't bother you, do. Patience you once had...gone.
That's how I feel, every time chatterbox is around. It builds just before she comes. And the resentment is more towards dh that anyone else. With her it's just a dislike. I dislike her, I dislike her coming to the house. But with Dh it's built up over the years. Do I resent him for meeting me, do I resent him for bringing me into his life when he already had kids prior, do I resent tht no matter what I am always going to be the second family. Seems no matter what chatterbox does he will stick up for her, even if she'd put our family at risk , or made up lies about me hurting her. There is so much bitterness coming out of me when he is around.
For 6 years I watched this trainwreck unfold. I tried everything to stop it. At first it was just little things like she wouldn't eat her dinner. So dh let her have whatever she wanted. She'd even go as far as pushing her plate away from her. HE never told her that was unacceptable, instead gave her yoghurt. She'd have a tantrum because he wouldn't buy her stickers in target. Literally laid on the ground and cried. HE bought stickers. She was 8 then. Old enough to know better. Why do I remember all this?? I don't know. maybe it's because it continued like this forever. He NEVER pulled the reigns in on her. When we didn't live together I let it slide. But once we moved in together and were due to have our first baby I started to pull the reigns in. We were one household. One set of rules. No special rules for anyone. Why should there be, Just because hs kids only visited every 2nd weekend it didn't mean it was a holiday house.
He left chatterbox in my care often. Never asked, just assumed. Who wouldn't. I was the SAHM, he was working. We were family. But it started to get to me not after very long when he would leave her as it was convenient for him, even for things like soccer games, soccer training etc. sometimes the whole day. If she was being difficult I disciplined her (never physically). It was verbal, I set consequences and followed through. I would tell dh once home and well he didn't like it. So i was good enough to mind her so he could have a life, but never good enough to discipline her. However if i said the EXACT same things about our own kids....eg "oh gee they were full on today" or " so and so just would not listen" or " everytime i asked them to do something they chatted back" he would sympathise . But with his daughter, no way. Funny though as she used to listen to me. And he knew that. I would only ever give her 2 chances, or otherwise it resulted in whatever consequence it was. And she'd listen. She had her moments, all kids do. But dh knew if he really wanted something done to ask me to ask her as he admitted she listens to me better. But that was because I was firm, I was consistent, I didn't take her shit. Her and I used to have fun. We'd laugh together. Play board games most weekends she came, or the PS2. I was the one who chose her presents as I knew her interests because I listened to her, Every time she came home after school i was there , there to listen, there to feed her, there to help with homework. That did not bother me, it only bothered me when Dh had double standards. I packed her lunch because I knew her favourite foods. Dh tried packing it a few times and I'd say no she doens' like ham, pack a banana instead, she likes that on her sandwich. She'd laugh and say yeh dad, (step mum) knows what I eat.
At our wedding 4.5 years ago chatterbox got up and did a speech. Maybe I should find it and show her. She said how happy she was that her dad and I are together. And how he used to be sad until he met me and now is happy. And She always feels happy when coming to our house. She did that all by herself.
Over the years I kept encouraging dh to build a relationship with her. Little steps...go for a bike ride, have lunch together. Just little things. Not buy her stuff. She won't remember that stuff. But he kept pushing her away. It was easier to let her do and say what she wanted, go where she wants because it meant he didn't have to deal with ehr sulking. We all know how fun a sulking child is...but they can suck it up. I put so much energy into it, into her. Always thought about how can we make her feel part of the family. Dh didn't. Until last year when she knew I was communicating with her bio mum (BM) to try and get dh and BM on track a bit as chatterbox was really playing one against the other once she started highschool. I didn't want D and BM to be friends, just wanted them to be parents and do the best for their daughter. BM SW willing . We still talk regularly. We support each other. Let each other know what chatterbox is up to so we can keep one step ahead. Chatterbox doesn't like this so she starts making up lies about me. Saying I hurt her, saying i told her she is not welcome in this house. That was last year when I said no such thing.
Meanwhile dh chooses now to try and be her "friend" not her parent. Sticks up for her in a non verbal way. She see's that. She sees he and I fight and don't agree with things about her. I think of the future and what trouble she can get in to if she continues this way, and he enables it. He thinks of now, and how to get her out of his face so she isn't pestering him.
So I resent him for letting this happen. For our family to witness this all the time. For the stress it causes. How do I fix it though??

Linking with twinkle in the eye for flash blog friday and with some grace for flog ya blog friday
and with you know it happens at your house too for TGIF

Thursday, 9 August 2012

thankful thursday

Not feeling very thankful this week due to issues with chatterbox and dh . Which is why I love this linky party as it makes me have to think hard and be more positive.

Today I am thankful that I finally bought new lamps for our bedroom. Mine broke about 2 or more months ago due to me moving the bedside table too far trying to find a mouse. The lamp fell off in the process and broke. So I haven't been able to really sit in bed and read much . I am also thankful that kmart has queen size quilt cover sets for only $19!!! Cheap as chips. Which meant a whole new feel in our bedroom.

Linking with kate says stuff for Thankful Thursday

why you don't put a hot saucepan on a plastic bowl

linking with Twinkle in the Eye for Wordless Wednesday

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Monday, 6 August 2012

when your husband feels like your enemy

linking with diary of a SAHM for I blog on tuesdays and Things I can't say for Pour your heart out
I started reading this book called the real marriage. I imagine it will be helpful...but only if both husband and wife read it. I am only 1 or 2 chapters into it and one thing that intrigued me was that for a successful marriage you need to be friends with your spouse. I thought wow, I'm not a very good friend. Half the stuff I do , don't do, or say to Dh i would never say to a friend. So I tried to slowly change my way. If i felt bitchy I'd think would I treat a friend like that? If i didn't want to do something because dh annoyed me I'd think but would I do it for my friend? If only Dh read that and maybe the weekend wouldn't have been so shit.
All weekend he let chatterbox have his lap top. I tried to warn him not to and let him know she is spending time on facebook but he didn't care. I swear his reasoning is out of sight out of mind. He didn't have to deal with her if she is out of the way. Next thing she is ringing a friend, the friend she should not be communicating with if it can be helped. He allowed it though. Later around 10:30pm I hear her talking on the phone again. I suggest he take the phone off her. A 13yr does not need to be talking that late into the night. But no of course he didn't.
At one stage in the night, around midnight, the dog goes off. A person bark. Little man cried out terrified, I run to him and immediately comfort him. I don't think to look at the back door on my way at all. I assume every night that dh locks it with the key. Especially since break ins occur at least 5 times each weekend night. I lay with Little man for a while then realise if i am in his room I won't hear bub cry so carry him into our bed. Around 1am bub cried for her bottle. Most times I'll give it to her and go back to bed. Tonight I decided to stay in her bed for cuddles and because little man was taking up all the room and dh was snoring like a train. I shut the door so that she is not woken at 5:30am when little man likes to get up and watch rage lol. Little did I know that shutting the door meant not hearing a thing through out the night.
I get up at some ungodly hour like 6am...to the sound of Rage blaring out of the tv. I notice the back sliding door is left open a couple inches. Immediate reaction is to check chatterbox given her history. She was there. So i question dh why didn't he close it. He then tell me chatterbox went out last night without any of us knowing ( i am thinking around the time the dog barked) with her dodgy trashy friends. The cops saw her walking along (on the other side of town) and saw she is a minor so picked her up for her safety and brought her back to us at about 4:30am. WOW. I didn't not hear any of it so I was in disbelief thinking dh was pulling my leg.
I realised he was for real and I felt so angry. I didn't care that she'd escaped. I was angry that she left our door open. She put my family at risk. In this town everyone is on edge thinking it's not a matter of IF you'll get broken into, it's a matter of WHEN. And they don't only take your stuff they play a game of standing watching you sleep til you wake then they run. These people don't care about dogs either. They bait them. Throw meat over to distract the dog then get in. SHE put us at risk of that happening. Not only by leaving our door open but by hanging out with the kind of low lives that do this sort of thing. How dare she. I felt like stripping her bare of everything she had. make her vulnerable like she did to our family. I stripped her of a warm blanket right then and there when I realised Dh was for real. She thinks it's ok to wander around in the freezing cold all night then she does not deserve a blanket. As we travelled in the car together that morning to go out ( as we could NOT leave her home alone )I could not stop myself verbally giving it to her. She could not even look me in the eye. I ask her why, why did she do it?? the answer...dunno. Bullshit it's dunno I told her. You made a choice, therefore there was a reason behind it. She had tears. Well good! I told her what risk she put our kids at last night. Of course she laughed at me. She does not think past herself. I question the post on her facebook about boys asking for headjobs on her facebook wall. She is 13!!! A 13 yr old gets a post like that on her wall. I didn't even know what that was at her age. Again she laughs...oh that was a joke. I tell her it may be a joke to her but to other older boys who do not know her that well don't see that as a joke, they see that as an invitation. Does she care. No. DH sits quietly. Very naively asks...did your friends force you to go out last night??...wake up dh , no way, she initiates this. If only he would read her inboxes from last year (when we luckily had access to her fb password without her knowing) where she was the one telling her friends to sneak out and meet up .
On the way home I inform her she will be scrubbing the bathroom. She tried to say no. i told her not to dare as i would drag her sorry arse into that bathroom myself. We stop at the shop on the way home to get ham. Chatterbox goes in with dh, meanwhile i ring his mother to tell her what happened and get advice as DH was acting like nothing was wrong and being all nice to her. She was shocked at his actions and said he needed to wake up to himself. They get back to the car, I hang up and here's dh and chatterbox laughing sharing a joke between each other. wtf?? she didn't just steal food out of the fridge ...she snuck out leaving our door open!!!
Get home and I prepare a bowl with cleaning liquid, a scrubbing brush and some wipes. Some time later Dh has not come out of the bathroom. There he is helping her scrub it. Laughing together again. now is not the time to be all nice and daddy on her. That time was many years ago but he blew it because he didn't know how to deal with her. I ask why is he helping, and he says because the stuff wasn't working so it was taking her a long time. Hmm, yeh, so what she can scrub harder!!
Next thing he has her bag packed ready to take her back to bio mum (BM). I inform him it's far too early (about 5 hours too early) and why is he doing this. He had no answer. He didn't even inform BM. So i send a heads up text. He turned up and said he was dropping chatterbox off because her and I are fighting. BM told him to deal with it, she deserves everything i deal out to her and shut the door. He drove around for the next few hours just so chatterbox didn't have to get into any more trouble from me.
BM dropped in to see me and we discussed it. She told me she wasn't happy with dh's approach and it is sending chatterbox a very mixed message. I also discussed it with dh's mum on the phone again and she said to me obviously my being nice act didn't work so do away with mary poppins and don't be nice to her not fter what she has done. She told me to point out to dh that the only time we fight like this is when chatterbox is with us so what does that tell him. The best advice was to send him and her camping this weekend to get rid of them so I don't have to watch him let her get away with everything.
What I don't get is only last week I offered to have her live with us and he blatantly refused saying she treats him like shit he doesn't want her around. Now...she treats the family like shit but he drives her away so she didn't have to hear it. A friend wouldn't do that. A friend would stick by the people who have had wrong done against them. But instead he acted like the enemy and stood up for the person who did the wrong ! If she only treated dh like shit I would have continued my Mary poppins act of being nice and lovely and everything was like water off a duck's back. But she wronged my family, she wronged my kids so mary poppins has left.

Best in Blog

Thursday, 2 August 2012

was it from God

We go to church most Sundays. We're in a connect group where we catch up with other people from our church regularly. We talk about what was preached at church with each other.
But...we don't pray with each other, we don't really read any bible stories to the kids, and even though we discuss church etc dh and I never really discuss God very much.
So..we find out this week that chatterbox is definitely moving with her mum for 12 mths to the big smoke (which is about 5 hours away from here). We knew it was on the cards. Is it a good thing or not due to all the trouble we've had lately. Then I thought maybe it was our chance to suggest having her live here full time to give her stability. I was open to it despite what has happened if it meant getting her back on track.
Now being not a great prayer as I am not a very good Christian i shot a prayer up to God basically asking do we or don't we take her on.

A few days later my sister and I are doing our wii zumba in my loungeroom. We are not very co-ordinated at all but try to keep up and have heaps of fun. We would never ever do it in public for fear of humiliation. And today we were nearly busted. An unfamiliar red car pulled into my driveway. Quick as a flash we paused the game and acted as though we were just hanging around.
The red car belongs to a lady from church. A lovely lady who noticed Dh and I haven't been for the last 4 weeks and came to check we were ok. I felt a bit awkward but was flattered she cared enough to check us. I explained a little of what was going on and the decisions we were faced with. Just like that she said think of my current little family. Protect them. Focus on them. be the mum I can be to them without added pressure for a while. I swear she was sent from God today. Some things she pointed out i had not thought of.
Sad as it is (for chatterbox's sake) I am looking forward to the thought of having (hopefully) 12 months of a little less stress.
I just Poured my heart out , flogged my blog and flashed my blog and TGIF

wordless wednesday

 for wordless wednesday

Sunday, 29 July 2012

having a giggle at a younger me

I was looking for something in my bag of special things (we all keep a bag with stuff special to us right?)Mine goes as far back as the day I was born. i was surprised to find I was only just over 6pd. None of my kids have been that small!!
I came across my very first school photo, so we're going back to 1981. I think I was such a cute little girl . I don't normally put photos of my face on here but I hardly think anyone will know who I am with this face.

I look a bit further through my bag of stuff and find report cards!! I thought they were all lost. Had to laugh at the one from when I was in year 2. I will NEVER forget this incident.

My teacher was Miss Fitzgerald. She was very young. I was what you would call the brown noser teachers pet. i was always picked to do everything for her. She always let me do things first. I could do no wrong. Until.....

The report card says "(insert my name here) general behaviour is pleasing (and improved). We have had problems with (insert my name) re rights of others and rules of the classroom but we have come to a good understanding now I am pleased to say....

So the actual story to this was that there was a new girl in the class. Because I was the teachers pet I assumed I would never get busted and thought everything I did was right. WRONG! While we were sitting on the mat listening to the teacher explain something to us I thought it was great timing to show the new girl where to put her stencils when she was finished with them. Even got as far as getting up off the mat to show her. Ultimate FAIL. I was publicly humiliated then and there. I tried to tell her what I was doing but I just couldn't get out the right words and I think I may have even said something rude to her. Miss Fitzgerald banned me from going to violin lessons that day. I was devastated. Not only had I almost lost my position as teachers pet, I also had to then tell mum I was in trouble and couldn't have my lesson. ...
Thankfully it turned out well (hence the comment that we came to a good understanding). i apologised to her and we hugged and went on from where we left off. I was the brown noser teachers pet once again.

Best in Blogsharing this funny memory with my mummy daze and great fun 4 kids  and diary of a SAHM for I blog on Tuesdays
Windows of Happiness

Silent Sunday

Friday, 27 July 2012

How to diffuse a disagreement

Dh and I could have easily had a disagreement which would have ended in complete silence for us both for the night. My biggest issue is being stubborn and holding a grudge.
it all started with a miscommunication. I wanted to eat dinner alone with him tonight (no kids) and he wanted to go to man heaven  bunnings. Only thing is.....he didn't tell me this til I mentioned I needed to go there tomorrow for art wire and got all excited about it then suddenly remembered that he needed something there tonight. Well it's not like I live there like he does so am completely unaware of the opening hours. Who would think that Bunnings in a country town would be open til 9pm on a Friday night?? So the whole time I am thinking he chose bunnings over me   it'll be too disorganised to eat after the kids are asleep so went on my high horse and got the shits and made us all eat together. I realised after going on google what time it shuts and told dh he should've told me that so i wouldn't have got the shits (because he is responsible for my feelings and reactions lol).
This could have went 2 ways....silence for the rest of the night, or just get over it. For me to just get over it isn't easy but it was really a stupid reason to be shitty. Dh was serving dinner from the stove to the plates. I was standing beside him and lifted my top to show my breasts lol. (the kids were not in view) I remember reading somewhere to get naked in the middle of a fight and it is such a silly thing to do that you both forget why you were fighting. I couldn't exactly do that but did what I could knowing kids could walk in any second. It immediately diffused it and we went on to have dinner all together. Dh is now at man heaven  bunnings.

linking with flash back friday

how do YOU diffuse a disagreement?

Thursday, 26 July 2012

thankful thursday

Linking up with kate says stuff and first day of my life for thankful thursday

This week I am thankful for my dh. I know I can bitch about him but really I feel lucky to have him

I am thankful for the app that is helping me lose weight and also be more aware of what i am eating.

Thankful for zumba. what a crack up. Having a great time moving my butt with my sister


linking up with twinkle in the eye for wordless wednesday

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

when a helicopter flew over

wordless wednesday with my little drummer boy

what really matters?

We were given sad news this morning that Dh's uncle passed away. He was only 68. It wasn't sudden, as he had been on life support for the last week after an operation. But still too early. He hadn't watched his grandsons grow up yet. He wasn't expecting this only 3 weeks ago. It's amazing what can change in just 3 weeks.
This brings back memories of my mother passing away. She too was on life support. I was only 20. My sister just turned 23. I moved away in the February to the Blue Mountains to only come back the next month to sit with my sister by our mother's hospital bed. I prayed every night that she be taken away from her pain. We sat and sat and waited. The dr's approached us about turning the life support off. That was a huge decision for us to make but one that had to be made. That night we spoke to her and gave her permission to leave us. Even though her eyes weren't open and she couldn't respond we knew she could hear us. We told her we were going to a friends for dinner that night and if she'd prefer to leave while we're out that's ok. I know she heard us...it was only a couple hours later that she passed away. Did she feel anything? don't know. Was she aware that she was leaving? don't know. We were called up straight away. I took the option to see her. I had to know. What did dead look like. She looked peaceful but not there. Listless, colourless, lifeless. It was only a matter of minutes that she was gone but you could tell. I freaked. I couldn't cry, couldn't scream. Nothing came out of me. Pure shock. I practically collapsed. It was over. she was gone. That was 15years ago. I will never forget that feeling.

If you read this post you'll know dh and I didn't have a great weekend. It was on Monday night that we were informed his Aunty had to make the decision whether or not to turn his uncles life support off. They've been married for at least 40years. I couldn't imagine having to make that decision with dh. I didn't even know my mother as long and dh's aunty and uncle knew each other. She gave me life. We took hers. As much as i had been angry with dh i just wanted to hold him close. What must be going through his head that he lost an uncle? Did our fight really matter? What if that was us? What if one of us had to make that decision?What if we fight then suddenly I lose him?I would hate to have him just out of my life like that. Gone. Lifeless, listless, colourless. Or the kids...I don't know how I would cope without them. A little girl miss s age was in a car accident last week. She pulled through but had to have surgery. Happened in a flash. It scares me. My kids are my world.

What really matters in your life?

Linking with things i can't say for pour your heart out and twinkle in the eye for flash blog friday

Sunday, 22 July 2012

open your eye's, it's not just about you!!

this blog will probably make no sense at all because my head is all over the place. i don't even know what to title it because there are many things to title this blog with. I might even write each possible title and the reason behind it and then it might make more sense. Briefly first.... (if you have time)
read stepping out, stepping out 2, a bit more,  and being in a step family sux, to get a basic overview on things.
And what I haven't blogged yet is that chatterbox ran away again a teh end of June 2012. She went on the Saturday night from her mother's house. Was found wandering the main street at 11:30pm Tuesday night by the police. She was brought to our house because her mother was away for work. It didn't go down too well. She screamed and screamed and cried. Woke up Little Man who was terrified and blocking his ears. We sent her to the youth refuge for the next couple nights so we could all calm down. Dh got her out of there on the friday. By Saturday he already allowed her down town with her friends (one who she ran away with ) (which he didn't even know she was meeting up with because he is sooo ignorant). I confront him about why he did this and was it just to get her out of his hair ...and yes , sadly he admitted that was the reason he allowed her. Lucky for him she came home. Bio mum and dh, and chatterbox meet with the psych's they see to discuss consequences for her running away. The result was a month of not being allowed down town with her friends. (which of course did not get seen through)
so this blog as a result of this weekend just gone, with the possible titles of this blog -

1. Never get involved with a married man ....unless his kids are full grown adults. ...you can never be a real family. There's always going to be tension, Which is what happens every time chatterbox comes to stay. There's either tension because chatterbox has done the wrong things (ie run away again), or because i hate the way dh DOESN"T parent this girl, or I've said something to piss dh off about chatterbox, but meanwhile if i said exactly the same thing about bub, little man, or miss s he would back me up.

2. consequences should be realistic and followed through....the month is not even up. But already on friday afternoon chatterbox was down town with her friends. And surprise surprise she wasn't in the place she should have been at the time for pick up. Half hour later he got hold of her . She bargained with him to stay longer. He gave up and hung up. Wasn't even going to bother getting her. I pushed him and said if he loves and cares for her he'll do what a parent should do and get her despite what she wants. for fuck sake she shouldn't have even been there. He did! then saturday she was there again...til 5:30pm. Shops in our town close at 2pm. The only kids hanging out where she does are well known as the ferals. The whole town are sick of them. Crime has increased 200%. I didn't understand again why he let her when the consequence time wasn't even up.But oh, wait, she's been a good girl all week so they lifted the consequence. Can't they see that this is what they've done her WHOLE life so of course she knows she's got it over them. but again...he did what was easy for him, instead of being seen as the baddy and having to listen to her whinge all day he let her do what she wants

3. open your bloody eyes!!...Is what i feel like saying to dh all the time. He lives with his head in the sand completely oblivious to what chatterbox is going through. He lets her out whenever she wants. She is 13 for goodness sake. he doesn't know who she hangs around. I do...because i follow what she does via fb(she doesn't know). I tell him alot of the boys she hangs around are 17-20yrs old. i ask him today who was she with. He says...oh her friends in town. I say great friends , they are giving her cigarettes. He says, well can't stop it can i? ..Umm, yes you can!!Open your eyes and see that she already has a police record, so it won't belong until she pulled in for questioning over one of the many break ins that are occurring every single night in this town.

4. it's not just about you you know....dh has spent so much of this time feeling guilty for leaving chatterbox. I "get"that. Now get the fuck over yourself and start parenting your child, loving her like a parent should which includes discipline, setting boundaries. Not just giving her what she wants when she wants to make yourself feel better. Love the child. Keep her home safe from the "gronks", give her consistency,God knows she doesn't get it from anywhere else. He admits he struggles with having her over because she treats him like shit. Well get over it. who is the adult here??

5. why bother?....people tell me that dh and my bond needs to be the strongest at this time. I find that really hard though. We both clearly have different parenting ideas. I worry it'll be like this when ours grow up. I can Not have my kids turn out like that. Then if they do I highly doubt i will get the support from him. it scares me.

So basically i feel i am hitting my head against a brick wall because no one but me wants to parent chatterbox. Both bio parents are too interested in doing what is easy for them. We hit this brick wall every single time she comes. I have taken on a new role of mary poppins....i don't discipline her anymore, i am nice and sweet to her, i even put flowers in her room to show i care. but it pains me to watch dh drift away from her.

linking up to best in blog with great fun 4 kids and i blog on tuesdays with diary of a stay at home mum

things i know

linking up with singular insanity for Things I Know

I went out to dinner last night with some lady friends (actually mothers of my daughters friends lol).

I know that i had a great time and lots of laughs. I actually laughed really loud at one point and don't know if the rest of the restaurant heard me lol

I know that I left there feeling very satisfied for sticking to my eating plan and not walking away regretting that I ate too much.

This may sound a bit judgemental but I know that if DH wasn't home and I didn't have an adult baby sitter there is no way I would leave my kids at home with a 14 year old. One of the mum's did this. Her choice I know. But...the 14 year old was in charge of 3 of this mums kids and 2 friends of the mum's eldest daughter (10). In the area they live there are a FEW break ins or cars being stolen nearly every night. Huuuge responsibility. The daughter kept ringing the mum saying she is scared and can the mum please come home. The mum told her it was the wind and to not be silly. I know I judged her for that but again her choice. I am glad the kids are safe.

Friday, 20 July 2012

advocating for my daughter in her classroom

Yesterday was the first time I was one of "those" parents that stuck my nose in in the classroom.
Miss S is only in kindergarten and still finding her feet. She is so confident in many ways, but so unsure in others. Yesterday was one day I realised that only 2 terms into school of course she doesn't know when or when not to tell the teacher things. And how are they supposed to know unless taught.

There i am at the back of the classroom listening to a little boy read to me. I am half concentrating on him but half concentrating on miss s who was only a couple metres away from me. I notice her work isn't getting done and she was no where up to where the other kids were. She looks back at me constantly and I quietly tell her to finish her work. I continue listening to the boy then from the corner of my eye see the little boy sitting next to miss s start poking her with a pencil. She got a pencil and poked him back. i told her to stop. keep listening to the little boy read to me, then see the other boy poke miss s again, and again. She uses her shoulder to try fight him off. Little boy finishes reading to me so I go over to miss s and suggest she talk to her teacher. The boy says no no no. I nod to miss s and tell her she needs to let the teacher know when another child is bothering her and stopping her from doing her work. Miss s went and told her teacher who acted straight away and moved the boy away up to the front of the class. He was bawling his eyes out. I felt awful....but....he can't be let to get away with thinking that is ok.  Miss s sat down and was able to complete her work.

Parent/teacher interview was only a few hours after this incident so I was able to discuss it with her teacher and apologise for what may have seemed like dobbing. She explained that this week she attempted sitting the more disruptive children in the class in amongst the more sensible children. She too had noticed that miss s's concentration in class was a bit less since sitting next to that boy and will have to think of new seating arrangements again.

I don't want my child to be a dobber but I do want her to know it's ok to tell the teacher especially if the child is bothering her enough that she can't complete her work and then she's the one in trouble. I know we can't cotton wool them but I can't help but wonder what if I never saw that and the teacher leaves them sitting together. Miss s is no angel and she loves being silly so it scares me that sitting next to a child like that might egg her on. I've got another at least 14 yrs left of this. eeekk!!

Linking with  twinkle in the eye for flash blog friday and with some grace for flog ya blog friday

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Thankful Thursday

Linking up today with kate says stuff for Thankful Thursday and First day of my life

Today was a tiring day, I had a very energetic inquisitive 4yr old boy. All he wants is a tech deck skateboard ramp toy for k mart. I am not the type of parent to just go and buy a toy so i give him little jobs to do so earn it. only thing is he whinges about EVERY job that it is too hard. anyway, today just felt draining because he asked and asked for it and asked and asked every question under the sun.

so today i am thankful for..

the fact that at least my son can talk, and talk well at that

that i can communicate with my son

also thankful for tap dance lessons. Miss s started today, her first every class. Miss s was inspired by a band called the Perch Creek family jug band. After watching them a few times she kept trying herself. Finally classes opened this week for tap. She was so excited as 2 of her school friends have joined her. She can't wait to go again next week.

I tried uploading a you tube video of one of the jugband members tap dancing but it won't let me. google for yourself, you'll love it!!

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

I wish....

linking up with things i can't say for Pour Your Heart out

every day i feel tense. i feel anxious. i feel stressed. not one single thing has caused it. just a mix of different things. I wish i didn't always feel like that. i wish i could always enjoy my kids. I wish I could appreciate my dh more. instead i always nit pick and find something wrong. he doesn't deserve that. neither do my precious kids. love em all to bits and would be lost without them.

can you hear that???

empty chairs

lonely lego

abandoned motorbike

tidy toy area

half finished colouring in

 there is nothing to hear at all as the kids are at school and day care

linking up with my little drummer boy for wordless wednesday

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

3rd day

So I have survived 3 days of the diet. Well it's not really a diet as I plan to continue like this.
For anyone interested it is an app on your phone, or can do it on the computer, called

My Fitness Pal. Tracks your calorie intake and exercise etc.
I find it keep me accountable and more aware of what I am eating. ....and shouldn't be eating. I thought we didn't eat too bad but once I started this I am almost ashamed at how unhealthy i was eating. Also my food habits were pretty bad too. I would grab whatever i saw first...usually chocolate or something similar because it was quick to eat. But now I am excited to eat and plan ahead and know that by actually eating I may even lose weight.
Have felt a little hungry but am sure my body will adjust. It's a nice feeling though to know I am hungry which means I haven't just constantly eaten all day to then not know what hungry feels like.

so continue watching here to see how the weightloss progresses. I apparently have to do a weigh in on saturday. Am thinking to take photos too so I can see the progress.

Sunday, 15 July 2012

one of those weight loss posts

6years ago I was a fit skinny person. I weighed about 45 kgs. I secretly knew i had a good body and wore clothes to show it off. I exercised frequently and watched what I ate.

Rewind 4years prior to that and I was a skinny skinny person. I weighed 38kgs!! I thought I was fat. Some days nothing more than a cup of tea would pass my lips. I thrived on feeling hungry. I felt too scared to eat, not because it would make me fat but it could result in me losing control. I walked for about 2 hours a day sometimes more. If I went to anyone's house I took my own milk because I didn't trust their milk. My milk was "safe". I took a few laxatives a day because I thought they would help me lose weight. I was not a happy person. My life revolved around food and how to avoid it. By moving in with a loving christian family at the age of 25 I slowly recovered from this. It took them asking me to join them for only one meal a week (they were aware of my disorder as their daughter also had one) and i was building up trust and a secure relationship with them. Not once did they focus on food. The mum occasionally asked how was I going and we'd openly discuss it. She was the most supportive and non pushy person. Not once did she say I HAD to eat. Christmas of 2002 I collapsed at  Christmas pageant I was in. Was taken to Nepean hospital and from then I was serious about getting "proper" help. Every Friday I drove myself from the Blue Mountains to Woolhara to see a psychiatrist.
A few months after this I felt confident to move on and moved back to my home town to be closer to my sister. I was still skinny but I wasn't in the same mind frame. Yes food still scared me , fat still scared me but I wasn't irrational about food. I was actually a nicer person too.

Then I lost control. If you read this post it will show you what my last six years was like. 4 pregnancies and 3 earth babies later I now weigh 20kgs more than what I did 6 years ago. I was enjoying food ( too much) and didn't care what I was eating ( to a point). I kept saying i can lose weight any day but that day never came....until I looked in the mirror last week and thought OMG my arms look like legs they are that fat. How have i let myself come to this. If I could lose 10kg I would be happy with that. I hate diets, never stick to them. I rarely exercise now unless you count walking to the bus stop every morning with a 2 yr old in the ERGO on my back exercise lol.
So I was speaking to a friend who has a very clever app on her phone of how to track what she eats and how many calories each item of food has. I have started to follow this as of yesterday. She is worried I will revert to anorexia but I know I won't . I was not a confident person back then . All I wanted back then was to feel accepted and that family achieved that for me. Food doesn't rule me , I rule it.
Be watching to see how the weightloss continues.

For anyone interested in reading about my battle click HERE . I wrote my own account of it and copy and pasted it all to a blog. To read it you HAVE to click on July in the blog archive and then click on consumed....the reason behind the name, or otherwise it will not be in chronological order. Please comment if you do read. Thanks.

adding this post to best in blog with Greatfun4kids and IBOT with diary of a SAHM