Tuesday 30 October 2012

It's not all about control

The last post I wrote was about a possible separation. Alot has happened since then. We are still together. Just. Chatterbox is living with his parents for now. Good luck to them. Last week til today I honestly thought we were trying hard to fix our marriage and was under the false belief that we would come out the other side even stronger and more in love than what we ever were as these fights we had brought up alot of things. We even had the minister and a counsellor from our church sit and talk things out with us. Every night since then we've been working on talking to each other using books to help us which draws out discussions we wouldn't normally have. One book which has been great was love and respect. All was well in my little naive world until today.

Today we got mail. 2 mails in fact. One for dh from the bank. The other a rates notice. I look on the bench, see the rates notice , and the empty envelope of the other one but nothing else in sight. A bit odd, because dh always just opens stuff and leaves it laying there. So i ask him where the other mail went, and he says, oh in my pocket. Because your pocket is a normal place to put mail. As if I wouldn't be sus once he tells me that. He's hiding mail in his pocket which he never does so what does that mean he is hiding. I get the statement and see on there $50 spent on sports bet. We've fought before about gambling. He gets defensive of course and says he knew I'd get angry so hid it from me. Which obviously means he knows what he did was wrong.
Thing is , he keeps going on about me getting more and more controlling. I am not all about control, i am about trying to trust a liar. There has to be an element of control in there because he just thinks it is ok to hide stuff from me. If anything he is making me worse, his actions are making me doubt more, to be more suspicious and feel the need to have everything else in my life in control because i can't trust what is going on between us.
He honestly does not see what is wrong with hiding this, what is wrong with spending money we don't have. In fact he thinks i am over the top. I am over the top because having lived with an eating disorder and an alcoholic mother i know how easy an addiction starts. How easy it is to hide behind lies and be fake but to keep the addiction going. The addiction then gets you, it becomes your way of life. You go to extremes to hide it, push people away, make people hate you. And it all starts with one little lie, or one little omission.
The thing that really got me was when he asked...so have you ever even lived with someone with an addiction? OMG, i really wanted to slap him. Have I lived with someone with an addiction. Let's see...i have control issues from growing up with an alcoholic mother, i suffered anorexia/bulimia for a good 14 years of my life as a way of dealing with things. Has he honestly never listened when i talk about my mother. or has his world been so perfect he really doesn't know what an alcoholic is actually like. I couldn't answer and i wouldn't answer. not when things are not good between us and not when i am vulnerable. I don't cry around dh. I've learnt not to.

linking with diary of a SAHM for IBOT and things i can't say for pour your heart out

Sunday 14 October 2012

the numb feeling of separation

haven't posted for a while. don't even know if I'll finish this. Right now I just feel flat, numb, shocked, sad, angry, bitter.
I really don't know where to start.
The first point I guess was finding out chatterbox was into drugs. no shock really there, should've guessed it ages ago. Naturally she denied it. I made the choice that I can't have her living with us when I know she uses drugs. I have 3 children to protect. Dh was doing nothing to parent her for this like stopping her going out at night etc.
During this time I find a lighter in dh's pocket in the wash. I question him on this and he denies anything. Acts dumb in fact. The whole time i had a gut feeling. AT dinner that night he confesses to smoking. I snapped. I was so angry. HE did it while i was away with miss 5 and little man, while bub was in his care. It was what i thought at the time was the last straw for me. That night also, he allowed chatterbox to go out, and didn't even question her at all. Simply let her go. We almost split up that night. I took the kids and left to stay with my sister. The betrayal hurt.
We managed to talk the next day and decided it best chatterbox lives with her mum in sydney. Dh had pretty much organised it the day before as he wasn't coping having her live with us. The next day(sunday) he found her at a friends house , took her home, packed and took her to sydney. Did I feel relief? yes. but i knew it wasn't the end.
A few nights later dh is out, and I went through his phone while he was out. I don't know why. I was looking for evidence of something because i just didn't trust him. I was not expecting what i found though. A text to a man who was his old neighbour, and dealt drugs. Dh text him asking how much for a quart. He wrote back $100. I felt sick. So sick. My fingers even went numb. They were never cigarettes he smoked. It was pot. He smoked pot when he had bub in his care. He bought pot with bub in the car. HE consciously knew exactly what he was doing. HE even had to buy a lighter for it.
When he got home i remained calm and asked if he smoked pot while i was away. His answer...no. I ask again ...no. I rephrase it...did you purchase pot ...and again he answers no. So i say..well why did you ask your ex neighbour how much for a quart. He was speechless. I was angry now. Angry that he lied. Angry that he did it. Meanwhile bub decided she wasn't sleeping but instead run around naked at 9pm and play with the ipod. I just didn't know how to react. I couldn't even cry. Could barely talk. How could he be so careless, so selfish.
The next day I am still so hurt,let down, sad. SO sad. Listen to music constantly to block out thoughts. When i think about it I cried and stopped myself. When I looked at dh I was angry. Nothing nice came out of my mouth. Nothing. Says he did it because he was stressed. Not good enough in my books. HE has a family to look after now. He had a baby in his care when he did it. His actions reminded me of mum. Turn to a substance to make yourself feel better when you can't cope with the outside world. Then since he's done it once what will stop him doing it again.
I didn't think it would get any worse until the Saturday. He had packed a bag because he said he was sick of me being nasty to him. Couldn't handle that I was that angry with him. Then I find out chatterbox ran away in Sydney. He was going to go and pick her up. I was gobsmacked. After the hell she has put our family through he was going to run to her beck and call and pick her up, just like that. For some reason he didn't. Not that night anyway.
But today. Today he did. Only the next day. We fought and fought. The kids can hear us. Poor little man has resorted to lining up his cars in his room, i am guessing for a sense of order. Chatterbox rings again begging daddy to pick her up because she doesn't want to go to a school with Asians. she promises she'll stop smoking weed. He falls for it. Can't see she is manipulating him at all. So he makes the choice to pick her up and leave us. . I was at a birthday party with the kids when he rang to tell me....he is picking her up, taking her to his mum for a few days while he finds a place to live with her.
I feel very rejected . Especially for my kids. how to hell can he choose a child who does not want help over his family of 3 little children. I honestly feel like my world has been turned upside down. All i want to do is cry. Yet i feel so angry as well. The bitterness i feel is churning me up inside. I think of chatterbox and get even more angry. There were other options but he chose this. How dare he. How could he. Then i wonder am i better without him. Once i know i can survive financially will i be ok without him. so many other people can do it. Maybe i will be less stressed. who knows. I don't. this is the first time in a long time I've not known what to do. I'm at a loss.

linking with i blog on tuesdays with diary of a SAHM

Saturday 22 September 2012

the blog post when i can't think of a blog post

It's been one of those weeks. So much happens but it's just too much too write. There's numerous things i could post about really.
I could post about bub starting day care. I was as nervous as anything. The evening prior to her starting I was too nervous I did everything else BUT pack her bag. I didn't want to think about my last one going to day care even though i knew she needs it. Come drop off time and there's 2 other newbies that day. So 3 new toddlers starting day care on one day. It was LOUD. So LOUD. Kids screaming. I picked my moment to leave and off i went trying not to run back and scoop her up. I did pick her up at lunch time however and the look on her face was priceless. She was so excited to come home. Overall her day was good.

I could write about that I am loving that people are finally noticing that I am losing weight. It's 7kg in total now. The best part is I tried my size 10 jeans on last night. Yes they are slightly stretched but the thing is i can put them on and not feel like they are plastered to my legs. And I can do all buttons up, not use a rubber band to keep the top button together. AMAZING! I was at a point where I was going to throw the jeans out. I am so glad I didn't.. I hate buying jeans. Took me years to even feel confident enough to buy my first pair.

Or I could write about Little man and how well he is going at his preschool. His teachers told me he is above average for his age. I knew he was but it was good to have it confirmed. He is such a thinker and retains information like you wouldn't believe. He sets a goal for himself and doesn't give up. Which can be a good thing or a bad thing. At the moment he has his heart set on buying a crane. not a toy one...a real one. He has money saved to catch a train to Sydney with dh and money saved to buy a crane . He reckons he'll sit it in the front yard. Don't know how we'll combat this one.

I could even write about poor miss s and our dr visit. She had been sick on and off for a few weeks. Then she developed an awful cough. One of those coughs that every one says their children have. She started getting upset about it and I thought enough is enough and took her to the dr. Lo and behold....asthma. So we were sent on our merry way with a script for a preventer. Within 2 days there was a notable difference. I feel so bad I didn't get to the dr sooner.

Normally I would write about chatterbox running away and the grief she has caused. But in all honesty it's the same old and I just hope we get get her to stop. After her attempt to jump out her bedroom window we've screwed the screens on and also Screwed a screw in the window frame so the window can only be opened a little bit.

But instead I will write about the mouse in the vacuum. It was so gross. I never suspected a thing until I turned the vacuum on and heard something get sucked up into the barrel of the dyson. I was thinking a piece of paper must have been stuck in there from last time. So i keep going. Peering down at the barrel I notice a big piece of fluff spinning around in the barrel. I knew straight away though it wasn't fluff. Turn it off immediately and scream my girly scream the minute I realise it is a mouse. It was dead still. All the kids including chatterbox come running. There;s the mouse , still as anything just sitting there in the barrel. It's little heart was beating hard. You could see it beating. I didn't know what to do so just quickly carried the vacuum cleaner outside thinking dh can deal with it when he gets home. After a little while we have another look and it disappeared. I get curious and undo it. Not mouse still. Then miss s see's it run past. The dog pounced on it and grabbed it ....the rest is history.

What do you think of mice??

linking with twinkle in the eye for flash blog friday
and you know it happens at your house too for TGIF
and with some grace

Friday 14 September 2012

Thankful for near misses

linking with KAte Says Stuff for Thankful Thursday and with some grace for Flog ya Blog Friday

In the last month my son has had 2 pretty big accidents. If they had that law in about charging parents for too many accidents I would have been charged i reckon. What a silly law. I see that it may help some children who are being abused , but in all honesty do abusive parents take their kids to the ED? Or do they do so only because they feel such guilt? And i get that the hospital have to question everything when it comes to a child who can not speak for themselves. It is just sad to think that innocent people out there can fall victim to being investigated simply because their child is either 1. accident prone or 2. a dare devil and tries everything and anything.

back to little man....
A month ago he was riding on his scooter. Like he does every single day. I am talking a 2 wheeler razor scooter. And boy does he go fast. He zooms down the path in our back yard, then doonk doonk doonk down our 3 flat steps, and turns quick so he doesn't run into the back door. This day however he didn't even make it down the path and he came off the scooter. HE fell sideways and the tiny end of the screw got him, in his face. Only a few centimetres away from his eye it was. Could have lost his eye. Poor little man. It was awful.
He got straight back up though. It totally doesn't phase him. He is such a determined little man. Has his mind set on something and is so focused to do it he won't let anything get in his way.

Then today...accident number two. Him and his best mate (his cousin) were playing. Little man took something and his cousin grabbed it back and pushed him. Just what boys do. Except unfortunately for little man a table was in his way. You guessed it...he went smack right into the table and split open his cheek. I freaked. My sister came running to help and was very calm in it all. Me...not so calm. It looked so so bad. I honestly thought he;d need stitches. I asked her to stay and sit with bub while i ducked down to the chemist to ask their advice, as I didn't want to sit for 10 hours in emergency to be told nothing could be done. We jumped in the car, ice pack and all. Lucky the chemist is only a block away. The verdict....just a plain old bandaid would do. Wasn't deep enough to need stitches. A butterfly strip would prevent him shutting his eye. So just a bandaid. Poor bugger. It looks bad. And again, it just missed his eye. 2nd time lucky, 2nd time thankful.

Friday 7 September 2012

Guess how much I love you

They are my world, my everything. Is it because I invest so much in them that I feel they can take so much from my, physically, mentally, emotionally.
I stress about everything...are they eating ok, are they having too much crappy food, should I be more consistent, how much do you let them get away with, am I cuddling them enough, how is miss s going at school...the list is endless and I am sure anyone could add at least 10 or more points to it.

Some days are hard and you just want to run. You wonder why you bother some days. I sometimes worry I am not maternal enough or connected enough to my children because I have that desire to escape and I can only think of the freedom, being stress free. No yelling at kids because you asked them 5 times to get dressed. Not having to run after bub with the wipes because she poo'd in her nappy , took it off to show you and then ran away with remains on her bum. Not packing lunches every day for school to have most of it brought home because they didn't like it, even though it's food they normally eat every day at home. When I drive I wonder what it is like to just keep on driving. What would happen. Where would I go. Would I feel guilty. At the time i don't. The time I had the thought I don't because I had just spent the morning getting bub off the kitchen benches for the umpteenth time and stopped the other 2 chasing each other and fighting all morning whilst also trying to tidy up after breakfast, get lunches ready and put away clothes.
But the minute I hear a little one cry in fear or pain I know I have that mother instinct because my heart sinks and I want to take their pain away. The tears of joy I had in my eyes when miss s wrote mum for the first time, i knew I had the mother instinct. The fear i feel when for a split second  I can't see my child (because he somehow climbed on your roof) or because they are so short I can not see them getting off the bus and think they are lost, I know how much I love them. The way my heart melts when bub says "mummy, lay me" and pats her bed in the middle of the night because she wants me to lay with her then snuggles right in.

I guess we all need a break at times but I know I love my kids because my heart would feel empty without them.
joining with Flog ya blog friday at with some grace
 and You know it happens at your house too for TGIF

Wednesday 5 September 2012

Friday 31 August 2012

one of those moods

DO you ever get those days where everything just builds up? Nothing in particular is making you feel on edge, but everything is pissing you off. For me it's like the wheels have fallen off. I really do love my routine, love my time by myself. The last two weeks though have been so out of whack.

Chatterbox moved in permanently and due to suspension from school then facing expulsion she hasn't attended school for 2 weeks and 2 days while we waited for the new school to accept her. So I have had a teen in my house every day all day. Not saying it was bad but just not my usual day. It has helped us get on track with each other though which has been positive. Since she was home and missing work I've brought some extra books for her to do work from...maths and english. I've seen her weak points and have spent numerous hours with her trying to help her understand. I am no maths teacher so find it hard to explain how to do something I already know the answer to. But it's great when she "gets" it.
On top of a teen I've also had dh home for  a week and a couple random days last week. He had a boil. Just a boil. But due to his constant picking, poking and prodding at it it got infected. Infected to the point the hospital last week thought he had a flesh eating bug. He was due to go back to the hospital on Monday to have possible surgery ( I was thinking worse case scenario of amputation). Instead they tell him oops they got the diagnosis wrong. It's a strain of flesh eating bug, just a staph infection. Gave him a week off work. A WHOLE WEEK. So, stuck with a teen and my Dh. Most would rejoice but I am not as it's created a very very messy house. I would love him to have a week off without an infection so we could do lunch together or something. I have had to endure him laying on the lounge for most of the days acting as though it's the end of the world. He contemplated one day walking bub in the pram up the hill....hmmm...time to get off the lounge if he thinks he can do that.
Finally, i have had miss s home sick since Monday. She was sick on and off last week missing random days of school. Then last Friday completely crashed. I took her to the dr as I have never seen her so still and refusing food. It was viral of course, everything is viral isn't it (unless it's dh's boil turned to flesh eating bug turned to staph infection). Plenty of rest she said and a few more days off school. Thankfully yesterday she returned, well enough.

So now I just need a break. I want to be in my own house alone. Just a few hours is all I ask. I want a clean house. I think this week I have become even more obsessive with tidying up. I am not a clean freak as in scrubbing every nook and cranny, but I like things tidy and in their place. I like the table and benches wiped. If something is used and finished with I want it packed away not left there. But this week just hasn't happened like that.

linking with the following
flash blog friday with twinkle in the eye
flog ya blog friday with, with some grace
TGIF with You know it happens at your house too
Best in Blog with great fun 4 kids
I blog on Tuesdays with diary of a SAHM