Tuesday, 30 October 2012

It's not all about control

The last post I wrote was about a possible separation. Alot has happened since then. We are still together. Just. Chatterbox is living with his parents for now. Good luck to them. Last week til today I honestly thought we were trying hard to fix our marriage and was under the false belief that we would come out the other side even stronger and more in love than what we ever were as these fights we had brought up alot of things. We even had the minister and a counsellor from our church sit and talk things out with us. Every night since then we've been working on talking to each other using books to help us which draws out discussions we wouldn't normally have. One book which has been great was love and respect. All was well in my little naive world until today.

Today we got mail. 2 mails in fact. One for dh from the bank. The other a rates notice. I look on the bench, see the rates notice , and the empty envelope of the other one but nothing else in sight. A bit odd, because dh always just opens stuff and leaves it laying there. So i ask him where the other mail went, and he says, oh in my pocket. Because your pocket is a normal place to put mail. As if I wouldn't be sus once he tells me that. He's hiding mail in his pocket which he never does so what does that mean he is hiding. I get the statement and see on there $50 spent on sports bet. We've fought before about gambling. He gets defensive of course and says he knew I'd get angry so hid it from me. Which obviously means he knows what he did was wrong.
Thing is , he keeps going on about me getting more and more controlling. I am not all about control, i am about trying to trust a liar. There has to be an element of control in there because he just thinks it is ok to hide stuff from me. If anything he is making me worse, his actions are making me doubt more, to be more suspicious and feel the need to have everything else in my life in control because i can't trust what is going on between us.
He honestly does not see what is wrong with hiding this, what is wrong with spending money we don't have. In fact he thinks i am over the top. I am over the top because having lived with an eating disorder and an alcoholic mother i know how easy an addiction starts. How easy it is to hide behind lies and be fake but to keep the addiction going. The addiction then gets you, it becomes your way of life. You go to extremes to hide it, push people away, make people hate you. And it all starts with one little lie, or one little omission.
The thing that really got me was when he asked...so have you ever even lived with someone with an addiction? OMG, i really wanted to slap him. Have I lived with someone with an addiction. Let's see...i have control issues from growing up with an alcoholic mother, i suffered anorexia/bulimia for a good 14 years of my life as a way of dealing with things. Has he honestly never listened when i talk about my mother. or has his world been so perfect he really doesn't know what an alcoholic is actually like. I couldn't answer and i wouldn't answer. not when things are not good between us and not when i am vulnerable. I don't cry around dh. I've learnt not to.

linking with diary of a SAHM for IBOT and things i can't say for pour your heart out

1 comment:

  1. Oh Steff, I'm so sorry.
    My sister was married to a gambler for years, though she didn't know about it. In the end the marriage broke down because she couldn't trust him and he put them in the worst financial position.
    If he is lying, then of course you won't trust him. What else can you do? I'm glad you're getting help from the Church. Hopefully God can do a miracle in him and he will see that he needs to make some changes.
    Big hugs. xx