Sunday, 14 October 2012

the numb feeling of separation

haven't posted for a while. don't even know if I'll finish this. Right now I just feel flat, numb, shocked, sad, angry, bitter.
I really don't know where to start.
The first point I guess was finding out chatterbox was into drugs. no shock really there, should've guessed it ages ago. Naturally she denied it. I made the choice that I can't have her living with us when I know she uses drugs. I have 3 children to protect. Dh was doing nothing to parent her for this like stopping her going out at night etc.
During this time I find a lighter in dh's pocket in the wash. I question him on this and he denies anything. Acts dumb in fact. The whole time i had a gut feeling. AT dinner that night he confesses to smoking. I snapped. I was so angry. HE did it while i was away with miss 5 and little man, while bub was in his care. It was what i thought at the time was the last straw for me. That night also, he allowed chatterbox to go out, and didn't even question her at all. Simply let her go. We almost split up that night. I took the kids and left to stay with my sister. The betrayal hurt.
We managed to talk the next day and decided it best chatterbox lives with her mum in sydney. Dh had pretty much organised it the day before as he wasn't coping having her live with us. The next day(sunday) he found her at a friends house , took her home, packed and took her to sydney. Did I feel relief? yes. but i knew it wasn't the end.
A few nights later dh is out, and I went through his phone while he was out. I don't know why. I was looking for evidence of something because i just didn't trust him. I was not expecting what i found though. A text to a man who was his old neighbour, and dealt drugs. Dh text him asking how much for a quart. He wrote back $100. I felt sick. So sick. My fingers even went numb. They were never cigarettes he smoked. It was pot. He smoked pot when he had bub in his care. He bought pot with bub in the car. HE consciously knew exactly what he was doing. HE even had to buy a lighter for it.
When he got home i remained calm and asked if he smoked pot while i was away. His I ask again I rephrase it...did you purchase pot ...and again he answers no. So i say..well why did you ask your ex neighbour how much for a quart. He was speechless. I was angry now. Angry that he lied. Angry that he did it. Meanwhile bub decided she wasn't sleeping but instead run around naked at 9pm and play with the ipod. I just didn't know how to react. I couldn't even cry. Could barely talk. How could he be so careless, so selfish.
The next day I am still so hurt,let down, sad. SO sad. Listen to music constantly to block out thoughts. When i think about it I cried and stopped myself. When I looked at dh I was angry. Nothing nice came out of my mouth. Nothing. Says he did it because he was stressed. Not good enough in my books. HE has a family to look after now. He had a baby in his care when he did it. His actions reminded me of mum. Turn to a substance to make yourself feel better when you can't cope with the outside world. Then since he's done it once what will stop him doing it again.
I didn't think it would get any worse until the Saturday. He had packed a bag because he said he was sick of me being nasty to him. Couldn't handle that I was that angry with him. Then I find out chatterbox ran away in Sydney. He was going to go and pick her up. I was gobsmacked. After the hell she has put our family through he was going to run to her beck and call and pick her up, just like that. For some reason he didn't. Not that night anyway.
But today. Today he did. Only the next day. We fought and fought. The kids can hear us. Poor little man has resorted to lining up his cars in his room, i am guessing for a sense of order. Chatterbox rings again begging daddy to pick her up because she doesn't want to go to a school with Asians. she promises she'll stop smoking weed. He falls for it. Can't see she is manipulating him at all. So he makes the choice to pick her up and leave us. . I was at a birthday party with the kids when he rang to tell me....he is picking her up, taking her to his mum for a few days while he finds a place to live with her.
I feel very rejected . Especially for my kids. how to hell can he choose a child who does not want help over his family of 3 little children. I honestly feel like my world has been turned upside down. All i want to do is cry. Yet i feel so angry as well. The bitterness i feel is churning me up inside. I think of chatterbox and get even more angry. There were other options but he chose this. How dare he. How could he. Then i wonder am i better without him. Once i know i can survive financially will i be ok without him. so many other people can do it. Maybe i will be less stressed. who knows. I don't. this is the first time in a long time I've not known what to do. I'm at a loss.

linking with i blog on tuesdays with diary of a SAHM


  1. Nothing I can say, just I am so sorry you are going through this.
    Stay strong and best wishes xx

  2. Whatever I write here is inadequate and I don't really know what to say. Hang in there. Ask for help. Look after yourself. And good luck. (really brave and honest post, but I guess that means little at the moment)

  3. Oh darling, you poor thing. This sounds horrible. You know already that you will be ok and you will do the best by the kids. Huge hugs - no one should have to go through this!

  4. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, I don't really know what to say so i'm sending you ((HUGS)) instead.
    I hope things work out for you.

  5. You poor thing. I think this is the first time I've come across your blog, and what a post to start with! I wish you well and hope that maybe him leaving will be a good decision in the longer term. Do you really want him around if you and your little ones aren't his highest priority? I hope this gets easier for you.

  6. Oh sweetheart, this is devastating. I know things have been rough with chatterbox for a while now. You've been trying to hold the whole family together and just love her, and then you have this to deal with.
    It's never best for families to be separated, but sometimes it is better than living like that. Like you said, you have three little ones who need stability and good role models. I know it's going to be ridiculously hard for you over the next little while, but I'll be praying. xxx

  7. I hope that purging your thoughts into a blog post has helped you put them in order a little, helped you to sort out what it is you need to do next. This must be the biggest shock to you and I hope you find your way through it.

  8. Please if you feel you need to, go and talk to someone. I know from personal experience that the bitterness can eat you up inside and make you feel worse day by day. I hope that you work out what you need to do. You will cope because you have no choice, but please don't hesitate to ask for help from friends and family when you need it. It sounds a bit like hubby is enabling Chatterbox and while he is doing that, neither of them are influences you want on your little ones. Good luck with everything xx

  9. Just sending love, strength and little hope your way. Sometimes things aren't always as they seem. Believe. xxx

  10. Oh, you are going through such a hard time. I hope there is someone you can talk to that can help you. Rachel xxx

  11. So devastated for you reading this. I hope it helped to clear your thoughts writing it all down. You have 3 little children that you know you can stay strong for.

  12. This is my first visit to your blog, and what a post! You poor thing. I'm so sorry. I can't believe all you're going through. I can only imagine how betrayed you feel right now.

    It sounds as though you both need space for the moment. Space to figure out what each of you want from life, and from each other. Space for you to figure out what is most important to you - and what you're prepared to put up with. Knowing only the little bits I've read tonight, I can see how you feel that it would be less stressful without him there.

    I hope that given some space, some time you're able to talk about it, without biting each other's heads off. I hope you're able to state your case, your concerns and he is able to really, really listen to you and understand why what he's doing is so wrong.

    I hope you're able to listen to him about Chatterbox. I imagine he'd be feeling incredibly torn also. For as much as I'm sure he adores his children with you, there would be no less love for his daughter from his previous relationship. And at present - her life is running off the rails, and so he'd be incredibly stressed and worried about that.

    It's a horrible situation all around, isn't it? Again, I am so sorry you're finding yourself in this.